Tuesday, August 16, 2016

What Would Chris Benoit Do? The Sheet: Issue 2 (Winter, 2016)


BECAUSE Nick demanded it. :)

Download the PDF HERE.

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

It's the first issue of WHAT WOULD CHRIS BENOIT DO? ... and it's FREE!


Yes, to celebrate the upcoming publication of the second issue of my zine What Would Chris Benoit Do?, I'm re-releasing the first issue as a PDF for FREE, so you can get a taste of what this publication is all about.
If you want to get your hands on WWCBD? #2, drop me an email at "danhelen" [at] "idx.com.au".

Download the PDF to issue one HERE.

Friday, July 01, 2016

COMICS READING FOR JUNE: “Keep It Civil – Captain America vs Iron Man (Part 2)”


* NOW WITH STAR RATINGS (ala Wrestling Observer Newsletter PPV reports) *

NEW! HOW I RATE THE COMICS VIA THE GRANT MORRISON SCALE
*****     All-Star Superman, We3
****      New X-Men (the early issues), Batman Inc., Batman And Robin, Dare, Arkham Asylum
***        Zenith, Seven Soldiers
**         Final Crisis, Flex Mentallo
*           Marvel Boy
DUD (or lower) Nameless, later New X-Men and any of his hippy-dippy, pseudo-mystical crap

1.-4. Marvel Adventures: The Avengers/Hulk (Marvel, 2011) ****
- originally published in Super Heroes #9-12 (Marvel, 2011)
Writers: Paul Tobin (#9-11) and Mike Raicht (#12)/Artists: various
5.-12. Earth’s Mightiest Avengers II #1-8 (Marvel, 2007) ***¼
Writer: Joe Casey/Artists: Will Rosado and Tom Palmer (interiors); Dave Johnson (covers)
13.-18. What If... #3, 4, 20, 25, 29, 32 (Marvel, 1977-82) ***
Writers/Artists: various
19. What If Special (Marvel, 1988) ***¼
Writer: Peter Gillis/Artists: Steve Ditko and Pat Redding
20.-28. What If...? Vol. 2 #1, #5, (Marvel, 1989-99) ***
Writers/Artists: various
Most of these yarns are kinda tedious as they hinge on “key moments” to events that weren’t particularly key in the Marvel scheme of things. “What If...The Avengers Lost The Evolutionary War?” or “What If...The Avengers Battled The Carnage Cosmic?” And the creative teams are lacklustre to say the least. The only two stand-out issues among this lot (for two very different reasons) are #29 (What If...Captain America Had Formed The Avengers”) – written by the odious George Caragonne and filled to the brim with tasteless racism – and the surprisingly fun #41 (“What If...The Avengers Had Fought Galactus”) – with Kirby-esque artwork by Jim Valentino and Sam DeLarosa and a reimagined tale where the Avengers and The Watcher throw down with Galactus rather than the Fantastic Four (Fantastic Four #48-50). If only more of these tales had #41’s joy and passion.
29.-31. Marvel Universe Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes #1-3 (Marvel, 2012) ***½
Writer: Christopher Yost/Artists: various
32.-36. Avengers Assemble #1-3, 6, 8 (Marvel, 2012) ****
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis/Artists: Mark Bagley and Danny Miki
37. The Avengers Movie Festival (ACP Magazines, 2012) ***
- featuring an Avengers tale from Marvel (Writer: Fred Van Lene/Artist: Ron Lim
38. Marvel Two-in-One #75 (Marvel, 1981) ***
Writer: Tom DeFalco/Artists: Alan Kupperberg and Chic Stone
39. Avengers Classic #1 (Marvel, 2007) ****
- featuring Avengers #1 (Marvel, 1963)
The Avengers #1: Writer: Stan Lee/Artists: Jack Kirby and Dick Ayers
“Some Assembly Required”: Writer: Dwayne McDuffie/Artist; Michael Avon Oeming
“The Real Origin Of The Avengers”: Writer: Stan Lee/Artist: Kevin Maguire
Cover: Art Adams
40. The Avengers #6 (Marvel, 1964, 2006) ***½
- reprinted as part of Marvel Legends Mojo Series
Writer: Stan Lee/Artist: Jack Kirby and Chic Stone
41. Civil War II #1 (Marvel, 2016) ****
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis/Artist: David Marquez
This was surprisingly good.
42. Steve Rogers: Captain America #1 (Marvel, 2016) ****
Writer: Nick Spencer/Artist: Jesus Saiz
Apart from the “shock” final page, I really enjoyed the start of this new series. Smartly written, beautifully drawn and with a very timely storyline about terror organisations targeting disenfranchised young men (with Hydra replacing ISIS as the bad guys).
I’m sure the “Cap is a Hydra sleeper agent” storyline was always meant to have a twist. However, I was amused by the public outcry, followed by Marvel’s denials that it was an imaginary tale or a mind control issue, followed by further public outcry – only for it to be revealed in #2 that Cap has indeed been given false memories by “sentient Cosmic Cube” Kobik (don’t ask). So either Marvel lied in the media to build interest in the new Cap title or……or someone at Disney got upset and put their foot down and had things changed pretty damn quickly. Either way, I’m intrigued to see where this storyline is going. If the writing and artwork stays strong, I might be tempted to buy this arc as a graphic novel when it comes out.
43. All New Captain America #1 (Marvel, 2015) ****
- this is the Secret Wars/Marvel Legends 3¾ inch toy version published in 2016
Writer: Rick Remender/Artist: Stuart Immonen.

OTHER STUFF
44. The Complete Iron Outlaw (The Sunday Observer and The Sunday Review, 1970-71) ****
Writer: Fysh Rutherford/Artist: Greg McAlpine (aka “Greg and Grae”)
I first read about this short-lived weekly comic strip in John Ryan’s excellent book, Panel By Panel. Finding the full run on Fysh’s website (www.fiysh.com.au/iron-outlaw-comic-strip), I immediately downloaded them and printed them out. While the Neal Adams-style artwork is a joy by itself, it’s the storyline that I found most fascinating. The biting critique of Australia’s bogan ways and off-hand racism and xenophobia puts Iron Outlaw in Barry McKenzie territory. In fact, one could say it makes a fine companion piece. While the strip – about a Melbourne bloke called Gary who finds Ned Kelly’s helmet and assumes the role as Australia’s No. 1 superhero – starts off as a parody of the worst excesses of bombastic Marvel comics of the 1970s, it eventually takes a darker direction when Iron Outlaw decides to right all the wrongs in Australia by becoming dictator. The strip ends on a brutal note with his “wog” girlfriend Steel Sheila in a concentration camp and sobbing, “Geez! I never knew Gary was like that!” Savage stuff.
45. Ice Cream & Sadness: More Comics From Cyanide & Happiness (itBooks, 2010) ****
Writers/Artists: Kris, Rob, Matt and Dave
46. Happy End (Actus Independent Comics, 2002) ***½
Writers/Artists: various
47.-52. Jacked (Vertigo, 2016) ****
- originally published in Jacked #1-6 (Vertigo, 2015-16)
Writer: Eric Kripke/Artists: John Higgins (interior) and Glenn Fabry (covers)
53. Penny Dreadful #1 (Titan, 2016) *
Writers: Krysty Wilson-Cairns, Andrew Hinderaker and Chris King/Artist: Louie de Martinis
54.-58. Black Science Vol. 4: Godworld (Image, 2016) ****
- originally published in Black Science #17-21 (Image, 2015-16)
Writer: Rick Remender/Artist: Matteo Scalera
Finally, this series is really coming together. A strong volume in this wild reimagining of Lost In Space.
59. Manhattan Projects #1 (Image, 2012) ***¾
Writer: Jonathan Hickman/Artist: Nick Pitarra
What if the Manhattan Project had actually been multiple projects exploring a wide range of mind-bending, death-dealing concepts. What if its boss, Robert Oppenheimer, was in reality his serial killer twin brother, who’d earlier murdered and EATEN the real Robert and assumed his place. From these two insane conceits, Hickman weaves a startling tale that I never gave the time of day to, but I think I may have to now check out the first couple of trades. Pitarra’s art seems a bit Chris Burnham/Frank Quitely, which is a good thing. I didn’t like Hickman and Pitarra’s previous collaboration for Image, The Red Wing, but I’m definitely gonna check out Manhattan Projects.
60.-62. Timely Comics: Moon Girl And Devil Dinosaur #1 (Marvel, 2016) **¾
- originally published in Moon Girl And Devil Dinosaur #1-3 (Marvel, 2015-16)
Writers: Brandon Montclare and Amy Reeder/Artist: Natacha Bustos (interior); Amy Reeder (cover)
63.-65. Timely Comics: Doctor Strange #1 (Marvel, 2016) ****
- originally published in Doctor Strange #1-3 (Marvel, 2015-16)
Writer: Jason Aaron/Artist: Chris Bachalo
66.-68. Timely Comics: Drax #1 (Marvel, 2016) ***¾
- originally published in Drax #1-3 (Marvel, 2015-16)
Writer: CM Punk and Cullen Bunn/Artist: Scott Hepburn
69. The Beast Of Chicago by Rick Geary (NBM Comics Lit, 2003) ****
The horrific true story of the “first serial killer” HH Holmes and his hotel of horror. A fascinating, morbid red by a true great of the comics world.
70. Crites’ Colouring Book by Tom Crites (Headpress, 2016) *****
71.-76. They’re Not Like Us: Us Against You (Image, 2016) ***¾
- originally published in They’re Not Like Us #7-12 (Image, 2016)
Writer: Eric Stephenson/Artist: Simon Gane
77.-78. The Sandman: Overture #2-3 (Vertigo, 2014) ****
Writer: Neil Gaiman/Artist: JH Williams III
79. FCBD: ROM/Action Man #0 (IDW, 2016) ***
Writers/Artists: various
80.-85. Outcast Vol. 3: This Little Light (Image, 2016) ****
- originally published in Outcast #13-18 (Image, 2016)
Writer: Robert Kirkman/Artist: Paul Azaceta
86.-87. Dream Police #8, 10 (Image, 2016) ***¼
Writer: J. Michael Straczynski/Artist: Sid Kotian

88. Howard the Duck Newspaper Strips Vol. 2 (Marvel, 1977) ***
- originally published as single strips from Aug. 1-Oct. 2, 1977
Writer: Steve Gerber/Artist: Gene Colan
Howard and Bev take on the Entropists, doom cultists who want to put the world out of its memory. Not as strong as the first arc, but it has its amusing moments.


89. Shattuck (Fantagraphics, 2016) ****
Writer: Wallace Wood/Artists: Wallace Wood and assistants
 Obscure Wally Wood work indeed.
90. The Wonderful World Of Barry McKenzie (Sun Books, 1972) ***
- originally published in Private Eye, 1968
Writer: Barry Humphries/Artist: Nicholas Garland
I’ve seen both Barry McKenzie films but I’d never read the famed English comic strip until I came across this collection in a second-hand bookshop in Mogo on the NSW south coast. Clearly it was very popular at the time as this is a 1972 reprint of a book initially printed in 1968 and subsequently reprinted several times. The one thing that strikes me is how much Humphries despises both the English and Australians in equal measure. I enjoyed the strip for the most part, although I grew tired of the endless loop of  drinking, chundering, Aussie gormlessness and cynical negativity. It probably worked better when it was read as a weekly strip. Still, an historical curiosity.

91. Silver Surfer #15 (Marvel, 2016) ***½
Writer: Dan Slott/Artist: Michael Allred
92. FCBD: Love And Rockets (Fantagraphics, 2016) ***½
Writers/Artists; Jaime and Gilbet Hernandez
93.-96. Stray Bullets: Sunshine And Roses #12-15 (Image, 2016) *****
Writer/Artist: David Lapham

AUSSIE MINI-COMIX
97. Little Mouse: A 24-Hour Comic (self-published, 2015) *
Writer/Artist: Laura Renfrew
Yep, this definitely feels like it was written and drawn in a day. Utter shit.
98. Baristasaurus (self-published, 20??) ***½
Writer/Artist: Campbell Whyte
99. Brothers (self-published, 2014) ***¼
Writer/Artist: Andrew Fulton
100. Pond Scum (self-published, 2013) ***½
Writer/Artist: Neil Sanders
These were all sent to me last year as part of an Aussie mini-comix promotion. Some were good, some were bad, but a few were amazing.



Wednesday, June 01, 2016

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Ex-mayor helps ex-wrestler

Originally published in the San Francisco Chronicle in 1975:


Tuesday, April 19, 2016

REVIEW: Greg Valentine/Tito Santana...My Side of the Story (Kayfabe Commentaries, 2007)

"He didn't care if I hit him hard - that's the way I work. There's no pulling punches because I learned from my dad. That was my style and Tito respected my style. And Tito wasn't that loose either!"

"Every night I wrestled Greg, I told my wife, 'I've had easier street fights.' Greg and I wouldn't hold back. The people believed us. We didn't mind hurting each other."

BEFORE these guys became loyal company mid-carders and slowed their workrate down to a slug-like speed, Tito Santana and Greg Valentine were two of the best workers in the old WWF.
And their feud over the Intercontinental Title in 1984-85 - with Tito seeking revenge after Greg "broke his leg" - was pretty damn good for its time (although to be honest, I missed most of this as I only got into the WWF in 1986 and only saw a few of their bouts on video many years later).
This 100-minute tape goes into detail (a LOT of detail, possibly TOO MUCH DETAIL) about the machinations of the feud: how it came together, how the pair worked with each other in the ring and the backstage politics that threatened to occasionally derail this money-making feud.
Tito comes across as fairly honest, while Greg is more in working mode and the bullshit quotient is much higher, particularly when he tries to put their matches and their feud in context with wrestling history.
One of the top ten feuds of all time, Greg? Mmmmmm.....probably not.
You guys wrestled 30+ minutes every night? In the modern WWF? I say highly unlikely, buddy.
And you mixed things up in the ring opposed to more repetitive wrestlers (in your mind) like Ric Flair? I don't think so, Greg. I always found you a solid-but-slow guy who just did the same old shit in practically every match I saw you in. And you did less and less of it the older you got.
Overall, I feel this DVD is okay but about 40 minutes too long. It really drags at times.
Tito vs Greg was a good feud (probably great by WWF standards in 1985), but does it merit THIS much attention? I say NO. Maybe it's because both guys went on to become mid-card (and even opening card) scrubs over the next eight years. Maybe if they'd remained superstars, then I could look back on their feud (and their subsequent recollections) and think, "Yeah, this is really cool inside info."
But as it is, I just think, "OK, fellas. Shut your yapping - you're boring me - and go sell your 10x8s at that scrub indie show in Florida."

CONCLUSION: Hammered into submission by too much talking. Arriba! and fuck off.

RATING: 3 out of 5 stars

SHOOT VIDEO REVIEW: Guest Booker...Kevin Sullivan (2007, Kayfabe Commentaries)


[On Superstar Billy Graham's drug issues and reliability in 1984] "If we're going back and being honest, in 1984...what am I gonna do? Fire the whole crew? There'd be nobody there...including myself!"

SEAN OLIVER is without a doubt the best shoot DVD interviewer in the biz today and he ALWAYS bring out the best in his guests, as is the case with legendary wrestler and booker Kevin Sullivan.
The  premise of this fascinating tape? It's January 1984 and Hulk Hogan just rang Vince McMahon to tell him he's NOT coming into the WWF.
Vince turns to Kevin to book him out of a dilemma as he makes his national expansion during the year. THIS is what he would've done (in an ideal world, of course) if given the book.
Paul Orndorff as world champion (beating Ricky Steamboat, who'd previously taken the title from the Iron Sheik).
"Superstar" Billy Graham as IC champ challenging Orndorff in a title-vs-title super-bout on a Xmas Day super-card at MSG.
The Freebirds blinding JYD, who then seeks revenge with tag team partner Butch Reed.
Curt Hennig doing a racial undercard angle with Chavo Guerrero.
Barry Windham and Rick Rude feuding over who is the most handsome wrestler in the WWF.
It sounds crazy but Sullivan makes the angles and the month-by-month progression during 1984 sound plausible.
In particular, Kev's idea of using Orndorff as a hard-working heel champ feuding with a range of people in different parts of the US (Samoan wrestlers and Chavo on the west coast, Dusty and Barry Windham in Florida, Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Dr Death Steve Williams in Mid-South and the likes of Steamboat and Jimmy Snuka in New York.
It's an entertaining 100 minutes of "what ifs" with one of the most knowledgeable and switched-on guys in the business.

CONCLUSION: The Devil and Mr McMahon.

RATING: 4 out of 5 stars




Wednesday, February 24, 2016

REVIEW: Tammy Lynn Sytch: Sunny Side Up: In Through The Back Door (Vivid, 2016)


THE reviews haven’t been kind so far, but I was still keen to see what former WWF/E superstar and Hall Of Famer Tammy “Sunny” Sytch had to offer. Times have been hard for the former No. 1 sexual fantasy figure of male wrestling fans around the world since her heyday of the mid-1990s.
She was a soft-core porn model in the early 2000s on a web site run by Missy Hyatt. More recently, photos leaked online of her efforts as a webcam gal.
In between, there were regular reports of Tammy getting arrested and doing brief stints in jail.
Physically, she packed on the kilos and appeared to be heavily into the recreational drugs.
When Tammy announced late last year that she was starring in a hardcore porno for Vivid, most observers weren’t really surprised. Vivid supremo Steve Hirsch gave her $100K (allegedly) in exchange for her Hall Of Fame ring and this video, Sunny Side Up.
Whether they were disappointed by her decision, excited or just plain curious, I’m sure a lot of her old male fans were keen to see her “workrate” in the XXX world.
I was no different, so I sat down in front of my computer and popped the disc in. Here are my thoughts in real time while watching it.

SCENE 1 (approx. 6 min)
TAMMY is going solo on bed. Time has not been kind to her as she sports a pooch belly and a double chin. This wouldn’t be an issue for me if the DVD didn’t kick off with a trailer just beforehand featuring a (most likely) stolen WWF/E pic of Sunny in her 1990s prime.
You can’t do that, guys, then jump straight to her 43yo self. That’s just cruel to both the watcher and the woman herself.
Anyways, Tammy’s in a hotel room, wearing purple lingerie and clearly out of it. She attempts to seductively rub her body, but it comes across as just sad. She then bends over facing the camera, pulls down her panties and shows us her raggedy vagina. No subtlety here, folks. Tammy’s gone straight to the meat-and-no-potatoes.
Brief fingering action. Jump cut. And Tammy’s now on her back, pulling off her knickers and rubbing them on her face. Ewwwwww.
Jump cut. And now they’re in her mouth. Double ewwwwwwwwwww.
OK. Have you ever seen a really drunk older woman trying to crack onto a young guy in public? The chick thinks she’s hot as fuck, but she’s having trouble standing or staying conscious? That’s who Tammy reminds me of right now.
There’s no talking, our gal’s just doing that heavy breathing that drunk people do late at night. Tits out, shaved vagina out and we have some heavy-duty fingering action. Jump cut and now a double-ended dildo’s come into play.
Tammy’s grunting like a pig in a slaughterhouse and we’ve barely gone 2½ minutes into this scene.
Three minutes in and Tammy has a shuddering orgasm. OK, I call bullshit. I don’t want to think of her as “Sunny the worker”, but this bitch is working us. That orgasm goes on forever and she acts like she’s dying.
First words spoken on the tape: “GNNNNNNNGHHHH! OH MY GOD! God yes!”
Jump cut. We’re back to a gynaecological view of Tammy’s spread cheese sandwich and the fingering continues. I want to tell her to stop, but I’ve lost the will to live.
A second orgasm is more violent than the first – Tammy punches the pillow. I feel sorry for the guys who are gonna plough this chick in the next two scenes. They’re risking serious injury.
CONCLUSION: I don’t have an erect muscle in my body right now.

SCENE 2 (35 min)
WE’RE in the same hotel room I suspect and Tammy’s kissing a bald guy in T-shirt and jeans. He doesn’t seem too keen to undress, but he’s being a professional, nursing those puppies and making small talk. Tammy’s back in her purple number and she already sounds like she’s one good rub away from Orgasm No. 3.
She’s very animated and writing around, even slapping his head just from him sucking on her nipples.
Her fake groaning and deep baritone voice is off-putting.
It looks like Tammy – no, fuck it...she’s in working mode so I’m gonna call her Sunny from now on – watched a few stick flicks and is now copying what they do to sound like a “real” porn star.
Similar to how backyard nuffies pull on those stupid wide pants, dye their long hair different colours and wear stockings on their forearms on their arms, then think they’re Jeff friggin’ Hardy.
Anyway, back to the “action”.
Sunny looks set to explode from the guy licking her inner thighs. To be honest, he doesn’t seem too keen to dive into a snatch once pumped by HBK and God knows who else in the WWF, WCW and ECW locker rooms.
But like a trouper he does and she reacts by saying something drunkenly unintelligible. Orgasm No. 3 kicks in at the 3:30 mark. Really?
She gets bossy, tells him to “calm down” and even pushes his head away from her crotch.
But the dude has a job to do, y’know? So he ignores her rudeness and keeps sucking away at those used beef curtains. Hell, if you’re gonna get an STI, do it with gusto, right?
“I have multiples,” she declares. No shit, Sherlock!
Now he’s kissing her – hell, if he has to taste that cunt, then she should suffer, too!
Seriously, I can barely understand a word Sunny says.
Finally, the dude has no choice but to start undressing. I hope he took a shitload of Viagra.
Fuck, he has a semi-mongrel. Well, that makes one of us.
Sunny goes down on him but keeps posing badly, blocking the camera’s view of her vadge. The guy gently, but repeatedly asks her to spread her legs, but she keeps forgetting and closing them up again. Finally, he physically spreads her legs.
Jump cut. Now Sunny’s on top of him. The dude and the director must’ve just said, “Fuck it. This bitch doesn’t know how to work the angles. Let’s try something else.”
Sunny’s blowjob technique is very theatrical. It looks like she’s doing a lot, but it’s more sizzle than substance. Eventually, she settles down to a solid rhythm. But it doesn’t last long.
Dude is loudly directing her, so he’s clearly not happy with what she’s doing. Actually, I don’t think he’s erect – he just has a long, fat cock.
Jump cut and we go straight into missionary position.
I assumed there was a fluffer on set to get the guy stiff.
Christ, we have another 26 minutes of this shit to get through.
PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP
Sunny has fake Orgasm No. 4 (yeah, I’m totally calling them FAKE) at the nine-minute mark.
She’s being really fucking bossy and tells him to stop: “That was a fucking intense orgasm! Motherfucker!”
Sunny’s face is bright red – she’s blown up already?
Meanwhile, dude is just PUMPING PUMPING PUMPING.
The whole of her body is shaking and rippling like waves crashing on a shoreline.
Orgasm No. 5 at the 11min mark.
“Fuck my life!” Yes, fuck your life indeed, Sunny.
These are literally the only things she’s saying that makes sense. Half her sentences trail off into garbled nonsense or just stop mid-sentence.
Dude is choking her now, and I’m not even bothered by it. It’s like when dastardly heel Triple H attacks babyface Roman Reigns, but the crowd cheers the heel anyway ’cos he’s way cooler than the face.
Orgasm No. 6 at the 12min mark.
PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP
This is an unflattering position for Sunny – there’s a huge roll of fat beneath her bodice. Did the director not notice this?
Listen, I don’t mind chubby cougars, but you can disguise the fact, y’know?
Jump cut. Now, Sunny’s on top, but the dude’s doing all the work. You can hear his balls methodically slapping against her ham-hock thighs.
SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP
“Fuck the shit out of me. Brutalise me!” (??)
Dude is choking her again. Does he hate her? Or does he just want her to shut the hell up?
“Whatchoo want? Tell me whatchoo want,” she growls in that cigarette-thrashed voice of hers.
Orgasm No. 7 at the 14min mark.
“I gotta stop. I gotta stop.”
“No, you don’t,” he says, calling Sunny out on her crap.
“I need a little rest.”
Dude is directing her again. He’s had enough and just wants to get it over with. He’s fingering her arse to get her ready for the big anal scene.
He’s slapping her arse cheeks till they’re red. I think most viewers would wanna slap Sunny, too, right about now.
Orgasm No. 8 at the 16min 30sec. mark.
This is not erotic or horny in any way, shape or form. I’m now sacrificing part of my day off to review something that hasn’t given me even the slightest tingle in my groin.
“Hold up! I’m dead-tired right now!”
Jump cut. Sunny does the job. The headjob, that is.
Dude’s stiff now – he’s probably thinking of Charlotte Flair to get it done.
“Please fuck my arse.”
OK. Now, let me sidetrack for a moment. I’ve been a pornographer for 20 years and I’ve seen how this goes.
When a porn star starts out in her chosen career, many of them say they’ll only do lezzo. After a while, they progress to boy-girl (it might only be with their boyfriend). Soon, they announce they’re doing their first DP. And then their first ANAL SCENE. After that it’s gang bangs, blow bangs and bukkake. And then their careers are OVER.
What I’m saying is, it takes a porn star (one with any brains) YEARS to do anal, because that’s practically the final taboo. After that, you either get out of the jiz biz or you progressively travel further down the path of no return. Not judging these ladies, just saying I’ve seen it time and time again.
But not Sunny. Noooooo...she gets BUGGERED in her first fucking movie! I really hope she got paid the supposed $100K for this film because there is NOWHERE for her to go from here but down.
Now, back to the scene.
More sex, this time a reverse spooning thingy. Sunny seems happy, but I’m not.
Dude has stamina, I’ll give him that.
Orgasm No. 9 at the 20min mark. Yawn.
END THIS SCENE! END THIS SCENE! END THIS SCENE!
Sunny’s O-face is distressing.
Jump cut and we are STRAIGHT INTO ANAL. Sunny appears to be stunned. I assume lube was involved.
Now, apart from the fact that I’m watching 1990s WWF/E Diva Sunny getting ploughed up the poop chute, this is still the single least sexually stimulating thing I’ve ever seen since I watched that Chyna porno where she cried at the end.
It’s a weird missionary position, too. Oh...wait for it...Orgasm No. 10 at the 22min mark.
Dude isn’t listening to anything she says now. He’s just pumping away knowing he’s less than 13 minutes away from popping, collecting his pay cheque and heading to the nearest bar to drink away the shame.
ANAL PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP
This looks uncomfy, y’know?
PUMP SLAP PUMP SLAP PUMP SLAP
“I need a break. I need a break. Hhhhhhhh! I need a break.”
I assume she means cocaine break.
Still 12 minutes to go? Holy fuck, I may have to tap out.
Is this rape now? Sunny keeps saying she has to stop and rest – probably because he’s pounded her rectum into minced meat – and the dude is just ignoring her. It’s all very...disturbing.
Jump cut to doggy-style butt-fucking. Someone’s talked to her between takes, because now Sunny’s deliriously clamouring for the dude to “Fuck dat ass! Fuck me so hard that I can’t walk anymore. Fuck dat ass. It’s all yours!”
Please, dude, just cum already!
No, wait, Sunny’s decided to do it for him.
Orgasm No. 11 at the 26min mark.
The dude seems incredulous. NOBODY has ever come that many times with him. He thinks he’s a SEX GOD right about now.
Sunny’s gonna be wearing diapers for a week after this is over.
Orgasm No. 12 at the 28min mark.
She demands an anal cream pie, but the director knows the money shot (as it were) is a facial.
Jump cut. Now comes the type of porno shenanigans that I hate. We’re back to vaginal sex, but the bit where the dude pulled out his shit-stained dick and washed it off before reinserting said dick into her pussy has been edited out. So any ill-informed person watching this scene will assume he just pulled straight out of her bum and straight into her smoo. Which is misleading and potentially dangerous to the health of anyone watching it who’s under the misapprehension that you can safely swap from anal to vaginal sex (short answer is YOU CAN’T). God, I hate that in porn. OK. Enough of my ranting. I guess I have to go back to watching the end of this never-ending scene.
Sunny looks off camera to the director as if to say, “Are we done here yet? I have to go to a wrestling convention.”
Orgasm No. 13 at the 30min mark. And possibly Orgasm No. 14. Maybe it was just the same one stretched out over 60 seconds?
Dude is making Sunny earn her $100k, that’s for sure.
“Y’know you’re fucking a Hall-of-Famer right now, right?”
God, don’t remind us, Sunny.
Orgasm No. 15 at the 33min mark.
I finally worked out who the dude reminds me of: Tito Ortiz.
Jump cut. We are on the home stretch as we pan up Sunny’s sausage legs and are confronted by Tito’s genitals as he desperately tries to squeeze out some drops on Sunny’s upturned, expectant, age-ravaged mug. Finally, Tito’s fantasies about Jenna Jameson pay off and he shoots some ropey strings of gonad sauce onto Sunny’s face.
THAT’S A WRAP EVERYBODY! Thank Christ!
CONCLUSION: My eyes! They burn! They buuuuuuurn!!!

SCENE 3 (36min)
THIRTY-SIX minutes?! No! No fucking way. I am not sitting through another half-hour plus of this shit. I will fast forward through the “highlights”.
We’re in the same hotel room, but for a change of scenery we’re on the couch now.
A different bald guy turns up and we get the opportunity to see Sunny “act”. She’s playing a chick whose boyfriend is a cop. He’s away, so she’s called this stud over for a bit of extra-marital bliss.
The “storyline” part now over, we get to the mind-numbing fucking.
We get some very mild bondage with handcuffs followed by oral sex. Guy looks like Dana White on steroids. Y’know, an older guy who works out, gone to seed but still on the juice. He’s even got bitch tits.
Sunny’s in pink lingerie, while she enthusiastically deep-throats Bitch Tits. In fact, it never comes off, which is a good thing as we can’t see that belly fat roll.
Jump cut. The cuffs are off. Back to oral and Bitch Tits is barking out commands. He’s kinda annoying.
Jump cut. Sunny’s getting some doggy-style attention. No orgasm yet, sadly. They’re...ahem, coming, I’m sure.
Bitch Tits won’t shut up. He’s more obnoxious than Sunny.
He gives her a thumb up the date (or the “John Hopoate” as it’s known) for good measure. Then Bitch Tits gets bored and sits back while Sunny goes back to slobbering on his wang.
Finally, Sunny climbs on board for some cowgirl. We get a close-up view of her dimpled butt cheeks and a rather appropriate tramp-stamp tatt that reads, “Badass”. You said it, lady, not me.
The orgasm count is zero by the 13min mark (maybe I missed a couple through my fast-forwarding?). I can only assume that Bitch Tits is a lousy lover compared to Tito in the previous scene.
Or maybe Sunny’s not working us anymore.
They change possies to reverse spoon so we can get a full view of Sunny, which is really unnecessary. Bitch Tits sounds like he’s been on the verge of cumming for the past 12 minutes, but we know he’s still got 20 minutes to go. Shut the fuck up, cunt!
At the 15min mark Bitch Tits snaps mid-thrust, “Watch those nails! Watch those fucking nails!”
Guy’s getting his cock scratched up and is probably terrified of having an open cut as he enters that STI-riddled pussy. Can’t say I blame him for being panicky.
Orgasm No. 16 at the 16min mark. But fuck it, who’s counting anymore, right?
Orgasm No. 17 at the 17min mark is a doozy, however, as Sunny FALLS OFF THE COUCH mid-climax and Bitch Tits can’t even be bothered catching her. Learn how to work, fella! Great bump though, Sunny.
Segue to more blowjob action and a weird, half-arsed doggy position.
I wish I was drunk right now. I think this film would be much easier to take if I was as fucked up as Sunny.
Twenty minutes in and even SHE wants out. She tells him to come inside her and he whines, “Not yet, baby.”
God, could Vivid have found two more irritating people to feature in a sex scene???
At 22min, Bitch Tits can’t take Sunny’s chatter any longer. He shakes his head and reprimands her with, “Don’t! Don’t say anything!”
He gives up and demands more oral.
We jump cut just as he’s saying, “Just be mindful.” I assume he’s telling Sunny to stop scratching his knob with her fucking long fingernails!
Learn to work, woman!
Jump cut to more fucking.
“I got you, baby!” snarls Bitch Tits. Oh, really? Well, where were you five minutes ago when Sunny fell of the couch, dickhead?
Sunny trots out some more tired bullshit like, “Fuck my pussy.” To which Bitch Tits hilariously replies, “Shhhhhh!”
I get the feeling they both hate each other now, which is why Sunny can’t even be bothered to fake climaxes.
25 minute mark and Bitch Tits is complaining again while Sunny fingers her clit as he fucks her: “Watch those nails. Watch those fucking nails!” He then forcibly grabs her hand and throws it away from him. His anger is palpable.
With less than 10 minutes to go, Bitch Tits finally decides to munch and finger some pussy.
He spits on it first, which is either really hot or really contemptuous.
Did you know that as Sunny sobers up she only has two catchphrases: “Fuck that pussy” and “My pussy’s all yours!”
I believe it’s now Orgasm No. 18 at 27min 30sec, which is arguably the best one yet, because Sunny FARTS mid-way through it. Although, to be fair, I think it’s a fanny fart.
He quits in disgust and we’re back to Sunny on our knees, sucking his tool for like the eighth time this scene. Yawn.
More energetic missionary-style fucking.
“Please make me come.” That’s a worry, Bitch Tits, if Sunny has to beg you.
No, wait, she’s climaxing. Orgasm No. 19 at the 30min mark!
He tells her to “Shhhhh!”, then goes back to rooting her flange.
More doggy. Sunny’s ready to explode again for Orgasm No. 20!!! This is unbelievable.
And we finally (Thank fuck! Finally!) get the pop shot...and it goes RIGHT IN HER EYE!
What a perfect ending to this clusterfuck.
CONCLUSION: Does anyone have some bleach I can drink?


FINAL WORD: This is literally the worst porno I’ve ever seen...and I once saw Ron Jeremy fuck an 87yo woman. Hearing that great grandma’s pelvis creaking beneath the pressure of Ron’s fat belly was far more sexually arousing than this movie. You watch Sunny Side Up at your peril.