REVIEW: F.U.C.K. 2005 Tag Team Tourney

WOW! I don't think I've laughed so much during a wrestling tournament as I did during this cluster-fuck of matches from Japan last year.
My fave fucked-up hard-core bastards - Mad Man Pondo and Necro Butcher - look like they got paid in beer to turn up at some shitty hall in front of a dozen people and beat the shit out of six flabby backyard goofballs.
While this should be the makings of "worst-matches-ever" territory, it's saved by
1. Pondo and Necro's hilarious banter in the ring - which can be clearly heard as there aren't enough fans in attendance to make any crowd noise

Pondo (pointing to Necro): "He's drunk!"
Necro (shouts back): "Hey! Kay fabe! Kay fabe!"

Necro (to useless opponent in main event): "You gonna have to hit harder than that, you backyard sonuvabitch!"

Pondo (to Necro near the end of the main event): "What's the finish again?"

2. The dudes' willingness to take and, in particular, dish out punishment. Necro takes some bad bumps on concrete, especially in the final death match. But he and Pondo really beat the living shit out of their Jap opponents, AND
3. The sheer incompetence of the wrestlers from F.U.C.K., which is really a glorified backyard wrestling group. How bad? They make Pondo and Necro look like Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit by comparison.
There's a priceless moment during the second match where Necro throws his opponent into the ropes and bends down, "expecting" to receive a kick in the face on the rebound. Instead, his hapless opponent attempts the worst sunset flip ever and botches it. What's even funnier is that the video then cuts to a pre-match training tape where you can see Necro taking the young lad through their match and telling him EXACTLY what he wants to happen in the aforementioned sequence: whip into the ropes, rebound, kick him in the face. Does the dumb shit do it? No. We then cut back to the match and see the kid botch sequence again. Naturally, Necro proceeds to beat seven shades of shite out of him.

OK, onto the matches themselves:

ROUND ONE: Necro & Pondo vs Ultraman Robin & Osamu Suganuma: "I'm facing Ultraman," says Pondo at the start of this bout." "Watch out," replies Necro, "he's wiry." "That's all right," says Pondo. "I'm slow, but I'm strong." Necro's already bleeding from headbutting a chair repeatedly on the way to the ring. He spends most of the match doing huge chops and stiff headbutts and forearm blows to Osamu before putting him away with some horrible move on top of a steel chair. Looked painful.
SEMI-FINAL: Necro & Pondo vs Zenji Shanghai & Mammoth Handa: Necro loses his patience with both these guys and stiffs them repeatedly before finishing them off.
FINAL: Necro & Pondo vs Kenji Fukimoto & Great Ninja (100 Light Tubes Death Match): Ugly, brutal hard-core bout, made interesting by the fact that there are two cameras - one on Necro and one on Pondo and the match is edited so we get to see everything they're doing at either side of the ring. That means a 12-minute match winds up lasting for 24 minutes. This is Pondo's moment to shine as he takes to one poor dweeb with a large knife, which he repeatedly jabs into his arm and a staple gun. He then repeats the procedure on the dweeb's partner. Necro takes some hellish bumps, our heroes destroy a mess of light tubes, and Pondo ends the bout with his standard flip off the top rope through some tubes that are placed on two chairs on top of one poor cunt. Afterwards, Necro hits the ref with a light tube for good measure.
I doubt if any of the F.U.C.K. wrestlers are still in the biz after the fucking destruction that was brought upon them by Necro and Pondo.
FINAL WORD: Seek out this tape and enjoy the funniest 40 minutes of wrestling ever.